Dislokation

The New Blog

dislokation — Thu, 27 May 2010 02:41:01 +0000

http://skrapbook.wordpress.com/

It’s still gossipy but more literary.

The End

dislokation — Tue, 04 May 2010 11:54:13 +0000

It occurred to me this morning as I sat on my steps, easing into the day with a mug of hot tea, that for the first time in many years I don’t have a single thing to complain about, to feel depressed about, to worry about, to work myself into a state of drama and confusion over… I am simply content.

Marcus and I went to court yesterday for our final appearance. Marcus signed into agreement the parenting plan my lawyer and I proposed, restoring my parental rights. I learned that my divorce settlement is about twice as large as what I was expecting. I will soon be able to pay off my debt, including the debt I owe my parents for their support this winter, and relax for awhile while I take some classes to reactivate my mind, meet new people, and determine whether or not I would like to invest my money in education, which seems like the most logical and fulfilling plan. At the very least, I will not have to worry about falling into a state of extreme poverty again for a very long time. Aside from smoking, I have a handle on my addictions and no longer feel the need to self medicate. My new drink of choice is ice water with fresh lemon, a healthier way to approach the season than beer or endless mugs of tea. I have even begun to work on my computer addiction. Dave and I are no longer the dark, twisted people we became this winter under conditions of extreme poverty and stress. We’ve stopped bickering and creating drama now that he has a stable job which he loves, though I am keeping my second home for times when he finds the need to drink or be disrespectful, which will hopefully be less frequent, as they were last summer and fall, before we fell into desperate circumstances. I no longer feel spiritually confused. I don’t feel the need to devote myself fully to any particular religion or belief system, but to feel the beauty and goodness which surrounds me and is beyond words, which is in my opinion the purest form of worship.

The title and tone of this blog are no longer an appropriate representation of my life. Dislokation is rather a tale of tumultuous transition, a depiction of what it’s like to start over with few resources, no true home, and no concrete identity. I will begin a new blog to chronicle my next adventure when and if I feel ready. Thanks to the thirty or so readers who visit the site regularly and to all of the family, friends and acquaintances who have offered support during dark times.

Blessing,
Jessica

Demon of Addition

dislokation — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 09:53:04 +0000

The power went out at around 1:30 yesterday afternoon. I was initially glad for the excuse to step away from my computer and enjoy some outdoor time. A beer stein full of cold coffee and hours later I found myself in a desperate state. Sobriety was intolerable in the absence of my computer, my endless mugs of tea, my phone, with the knowledge that I had no gas in my car, no means of picking up the kids or seeing Dave or getting out of the house at all. It was like my first day of detox. I found myself laying in bed shaking uncontrollably, my stomach in knots, my mind racing. I attempted to compose a parable in my head about the power of action and reaction, which grew to epic proportions and ended with me begging God for help. I was unable to pray though, because prayer reminded me of Dave, highlighting our separation. I tried to calm myself with carbs. I ate some cold, leftover spaghetti. This just made me sicker. I decided to take an emergency Klonopin. I couldn’t locate the bottle anywhere. I decided to take 40 mg. of Geodon instead to slow down my thoughts. I felt a mild sense of relief before the pill was even able to work, an assurance that I would soon feel different in some way. I noticed how painful the tension in my body was and began to massage my ribs wondering if my psychiatrist would prescribe a muscle relaxant. I finally drifted off to sleep without taking my regular pills and stayed asleep for 12 hours dreaming primarily of torture and murder in scenes with repeated themselves for which seemed like an eternity. I awoke at 5:00 to find my answering machine beeping and a terrible sense of anxiety within me. I took the rest of my pills and booted up my computer, a desperate digital addict. I couldn’t get online and found myself in a state of panic which hasn’t worn off yet. Nor have my bloody dreams and separation anxiety. So much for “my state of balance.”

The Fight For My Soul

dislokation — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 10:58:06 +0000

One thing which Shiva didn’t touch upon is that he has found a great deal of love in his Thelemic studies. I can think of two positive Aleister Crowley quotes in Libre Oz alone, a passage designed to give people spirtitual strength and freedom. “Love is the Law,” is at the core of the message, as is “Every man and woman is a star.”

I have read about both the positive and negative passages in the Bible. I believe that some of the negative quotes are the result of the times the authors were living in and that they robbed us of spiritual purity with their human motivations.

I think that both Shiva and Fab have chosen paths which work to bring more love into their lives. So which path do I choose? I sometimes feel more in alignment with Shiva, who appeals greatly to my intellect and has brought much light into my life. I sometimes feel more aligned with Fab, who has had some amazing spiritual experiences and for whom my love continues to grow. I don’t accept all or none of either point of view. I change back and forth depending on my mood more than anything else. I don’t wish to commit myself fully to either perspective at this point in my life. I would rather accept the goodness I find in both. I would rather feel love and acceptance for two people who have been very good to me.

I Was a Liar

dislokation — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 12:09:13 +0000

I feel the need to be “good,” and as positive as possible now partially to atone for my behavior during my final days of drinking, behavior which inspired me to get sober, among other reasons. I found myself constantly lying about whether or not I had drank, how much I drank, and how much I spent of the money my parents lent me for beer. I collected change from my parents part of the house when I was broke and “required” a cheap six pack of beer. I couldn’t live with this great level of deceit any longer. I felt like the lowliest creature on the planet. My self esteem was shot. It will take me a long time to rebuild trust in my relationships. I hope that I will succeed with time.

Praying In the Name of Balance

dislokation — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 09:20:19 +0000

My state of anxiety which reached the point of physical illness started when I finished watching Shiva’s film and wrote my glowing review. I think it is a result of cognitive dissonance. Shiva and I have taken different paths spiritually. I grew from a young Wiccan to developing a fascination with Aleister Crowley, then back again to what I currently am, a happy little pagan who respects the Christian religion. I prefer not to allow any form of “darkness” into my life, even for a moment. Shiva has taken a more intellectual approach to religion. His form of spirituality admittedly requires a much greater amount of study and intelligence and bravery than mine does, and I respect those qualities. I respect Shiva and his endeavors. I think that this explanation may suffice for something I did yesterday for the first time in my life. I called upon the loving aspect of the Christian God and asked Dave to pray for me. Many people I know, including perhaps Shiva, may see this act as being completely out of character, but it helped me achieve a greater degree of psychological and spiritual balance. No, I don’t plan to convert, but I do think that using a symbol which to so many people is the ultimate representation of love and basic goodness is sometimes healing.

The Longest Divorce in History

dislokation — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 14:31:15 +0000

I marvel at the cases I hear of people deciding to divorce and Poof! it happens almost immediately. My divorce proceedings have lasted about a year thus far. This is partially due to a six month abeyance Marcus and I agreed on last year, but regardless the proceedings have continued for months. Marcus and I have finally agreed to wrap things up and admit that our eleven year marriage was a failure. We have a pre-trial at the beginning of May. I have an appointment with my lawyer this afternoon in preparation. One key element which has finally been resolved is that we will have equal parenting rights, which is very generous of Marcus. That was the only issue I was stuck on. I don’t really care about property that much. I probably won’t end up with anything aside from half of Marcus’s 401k, which is fine. So everything seems to be set aside from the fact that I feel ill and on the verge of tears. Maybe it was, after all, foolish to cling together for so long. This will be a tough break.

Babalon Rising: Experience the Ritual

dislokation — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 18:57:47 +0000

I had no idea what to expect when my friend Shiva announced that he and his partner, Kala, were producing and starring in an erotic film along with some close friends. I believe that one or both of them even used the word “porn.” Someone who has never met Shiva may have suspected that this was simply a creative way for him to get laid by multiple women. I immediately ruled out this possibility. Some one who doesn’t know Shiva may have expected the type of porn one can pick up anywhere. I knew not to expect any Barbie Doll figures (though Kala happens to have a gorgeous body naturally) or dildos or cum shots or basically anything nonorganic and misogynistic. So, yeah, I only knew what not to expect. Shiva is one of the most unique and intelligent people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, not to mention his creativity and immense amount of spiritual energy, so I eagerly awaited the release of the film wondering how the mystery of content would unfold. The only clue I had is in the very title of this film, Babalon Rising. I had previously read about Jack Parsons and his experiment with Crowley’s powerful ritual. I suspected that the film would be laced with magick.

I was finally able to download Babalon Rising over the weekend. I sat down to watch it with a great sense of anticipation on Saturday afternoon, and, no, I didn’t just have a hard on to see Shiva naked. I demanded something that went beyond graphic sex. The film exceeded my expectations. It, in fact, affected me quite deeply.

Babylon Rising is not laced with magick as I suspected, but rather IS magick. Sensuality, poetry, music, psychedelia, and invocation come together to create a powerful ritual, which is so intense that I broke out in goosebumps and decided to take a breather the first time I watched it. I didn’t return to the ritual until Shiva assured me that the conclusion of the film would bring me back out of darkness and into the light, which proved to be true.

The sexual aspect of Babalon Rising is tasteful and gorgeous. No one appears to be acting. It is pure love and pleasure and joy. Unlike typical porn movies, there is much kissing and tenderness and smiling. The visual effects Shiva used for these scenes create the impression of an orgy while glorifying the beauty of the female body.

The powerful spiritual aspect of this film doesn’t exclude those who know nothing of the occult. It, in fact, invites them to open their minds and hearts to experience something new and thrilling and perhaps even life altering. For those who are familiar with Crowley’s work, come revel.

I have touched upon what Babalon Rising is not and upon what it is, but I have left much to be discovered. If I have peaked your curiosity even the slightest bit I encourage you to use the below link to preview the film and order a copy. In fact, I dare you to.

http://houseofecstasy.com/

Did Dave Scare the Witch out of Me?

dislokation — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 01:58:26 +0000

Dave is a devout Christian. He prayed almost daily during the time when we lived together. A crucifix was the focal point of the entryway. A large copy of DaVinci’s Last Supper hung in the living room. There was a beautiful picture of Jesus in the bedroom. I am a pagan, but I am spiritually devoid when I am drinking, so I simply accepted Dave’s little quirk and, aside from a few cleansings and a couple Tarot readings, did nothing to disturb the Christian vibe he had going. I didn’t even challenge his belief system verbally, though I am not a fan of the dogma he sometimes puts forth. His faith is a big part of who he is, and I had no desire to change him. The question is, “Did nine months of living as a virtual Christian (who liked to party) change me?”

Dave was also a big fan of a show called A Haunting, which dramatizes people’s experiences with spirits and demons. He continually pointed out to me that God’s name was invoked in every case of haunting and possession with successful outcomes. Another theme of the show that he liked was the idea that anything having to do with witchcraft stirs up spirits and demons.

An altar was out of the question. All of my sacred items remained in a star shaped box under my desk untouched for months at a time. I made the mistake of telling Dave one time that bells can be used to call spirits (Okay, I did torment him once in awhile), and he made me take a cute little bell I have off a public surface and stick it in my “box o’ evil.”

My spiritual energy and interest are returning in the absence of alcohol and Christian imagery. I spend a lot of time in outdoor mediation, becoming one with nature and filling myself with a great feeling of peace and bliss (Yes, everyone should have such a rough life, right?). I went so far as to do a baby spell Thursday to bring a new positive opportunity into my life. It worked, though I must now exert some action in response.

Doesn’t this all sound groovy? Here’s the odd part. I grew scared. I really don’t think that there’s any harm in some good old fashioned meditation, but playing with the Thoth Tarot and preforming a ritual, though seemingly harmless , left me with a sense of worry. Was I losing my mind to have so much faith in my energy? Time to up my Geodon? Had I unwittingly stirred up any spirits, as Dave always feared that I would do if left unbridled. I finally determine after a good night of sleep and some deep thought that the answers were , “No,” and “No,” though I decided to tone myself down for a bit rather than losing myself in the web of the universe.

Shiva sent me a link to download his new film, which I plan to write about soon. Shiva and his partner Kala are a little more Crowley than I am, though I do admire some of his work.. The movie, which Kala stars in, portrays a beautiful mixture of sensuality and magickal ritual. I found that as the ritual intensified I was starting to feel off kilter, not quite right. I broke out in goosebumps. I began to wonder about what ramifications the film may have on my mind, spirit, and environment. I decided to pause it for a bit and venture out onto my steps into the glorious day to enjoy a mug of hot tea.

I’m left wondering, Where did my witchy self go? Using magick to improve my life and the lives of others is now scary rather than pleasing? Watching a dear friend’s film gives me goosebumps? I love and trust Shiva. There is nothing malevolent about him or his spiritual life, yet I heard figurative echoes of Dave’s voice warning CAUTION. To sum it up in one sentence… I felt frightfully unholy. I actually felt the urge to pray.And “Why,” I must ask myself, “is that?” I have never truly prayed in my life. I tried a few times and found myself laughing at myself rather than worshipping, I think the answer is that I am often susceptible to other people’s mindsets. I empathize with them to the point that I am fully able to see the world from their perspective. I’ve simply developed the habit of accepting God as part of my life for the past year.

So what next? Do I give up my blasphemous ways and convert to Christianity? Do I run to Shiva for healing and wisdom? The answers are once again, “No,” and “No.” The true cure for this bit of spiritual neurosis is to simply stop thinking so much and get activated. I will grow spiritually only if I get out of my head and into my body, as Shiva used to suggest, or out of my “think tank” as Dave called it. The Christian and the Thelemite agreed spiritually on this very point, and it seems like a good place to end this discussion.

Hiding From Dave

dislokation — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 16:50:28 +0000

My life consists of three activities right now. 1. Sipping tea and playing on my computer. 2. The high energy part of the day when I see the kids. 3. Watching tv. Yes, I am a near vegetable aside from the three hours I spend with Abby and Marco. This started under the guise that I was sick from detoxing then moved to the point where I am just pampering myself and spending as much time relaxing as possible. I do think that this has helped prevent alcohol cravings, but I had a wake up call today. I heard Dave stop at the top of the driveway a little after noon. My immediate reaction was to lock the door and sit out of view of the windows hoping that he would just think I was in the shower. It’s not that I would have minded to see him. I was, in fact, terribly embarrassed. I’m wearing the clothes I put in last night before I went out. I haven’t brushed my hair, let alone take a shower. I haven’t cleaned… Marco’s hair is still on the floor from last night. I feel incredibly guilty for hiding, but the alternative of revealing the true state of slothfulness I have fallen into was unacceptable. Think it’s maybe time for me to get activated?